Criminals

Is Bubba ever going to get out of prison?

April 29, 2010, 4:13am   Comments

This is a red flag check list for all you mothers and fathers out there. This might explain a lot!

I had the unfortunate experience of serving a little over a year in federal prison. I took notes and have come up with what I believe to be a pretty accurate profile of a would-be inmate.

His name is Bubba
This one can easily be avoided. There are literally tens of thousands of other names to choose from. All you have to do is pick one of these other names. Caution: think twice about choosing a girl’s name – just in case. If you’ve named your daughter Bubba – why?

Has a hairy back
Sorry to say folks but its true. Prisons are full of hairy backed men. I don’t know if children with hairy backs grow up full of anger from the years of ridicule, and then work through the resentment by committing crimes? I’m just not sure. But you’d swear the Federal Bureau of Prisons has rounded up all of the “missing links” and locked them up.

He murders a lot
This one may seem like a no-brainer, but you might be surprised at how many people commit crimes and avoid prison.

He is loud
If your boy enjoys communicating at between 110 and 120 decibels during normal conversation, beware. Look on the bright side – he’ll get to kick it up a few notches once the cell slams shut. They like LOUD there.

He snores
We’re not just looking for a light rumbling snore. Here’s a little test: Assemble two 24 oz. slabs of raw prime rib (2 inches thick, min.). Take them to the car wash and pull up to the car vacuum area. Insert the hose halfway in between the two cuts of meat. Then, turn it on. The loud, percussive flapping sound that will be created as the air is sucked through the meat sounds exactly like that of an inmate snoring. Compare this with the timbre of your son’s snoring. Check!

He is an idiot
I’m not saying that your kid is doomed if he gets Ds or even Fs. I’m talking about the complete and utter morons. I’m talking about the stumped-for-an-answer-when-you-say-hello type of idiot. I know that this sounds harsh, but if you think your son might actually be a stupid idiot – just get it over with and call the cops. Tough love people.

I’m not suggesting that we pre-judge our children. I took advantage of a rare opportunity to conduct this research and now I’m sharing it with you. For me, only one of the above held true – I think.

For more, visit - www.fraudcon.com

February 12, 2010, 9:23am   Comments

The National Association of Certified Fraud Examiners (ACFE) compiled a list of behavioral red flags from almost 1,000 case studies. Their research indicates that, to varying degrees, these behaviors were present in the fraud cases that they studied. If you exhibit some or all of these behaviors, you just might be a would-be felon.

Use your best Jeff Foxworthy voice and say each one of these aloud to see if they apply to you. Start by saying, “If you (insert red flag), you might be a criminal.”

* are living beyond your means
* have financial difficulties
* have a wheeler-dealer attitude
* have problems with control issues and are unwilling to share duties
* have had a divorce or other family problems
* have an unusually close association with vendor/customer
* are irritable, suspicious or defensive
* have addiction problems
* have past legal problems
* have past employment-related problems
* complain about inadequate pay
* refuse to take vacations
* have excessive pressure from within your organization
* your life circumstances are unstable
* have excessive family or peer pressure for success
* complain about lack your of authority
* have a roommate named Bubba

Ok, now take it easy, that last one was mine. These are red flags only! The ACFE is a great organization - I’ve had a chance to speak at a few of their events and have met some of their members. They have unbelievable training and resources.

To see the ACFE 2008 Report to the Nation, go here.

February 03, 2010, 3:33pm   Comments

I received a phone call from Tom Balko in May of 2009. He had heard of me and my past association with mortgage fraud, and wanted to chit chat. I COMPLETELY understood.

Tom had just plead guilty and was sentenced to 7 years in federal prison for his involvement, as an appraiser, in a mortgage fraud scam. He was to report to the federal prison in Duluth, MN in June to begin his sentence.

We spoke for a while and he gave me the abridged version of his story. I agreed to meet him for coffee the next day, because he had some questions.

At our meeting the next day, Tom gave me the whole story as well as some other things that were on his mind. Specifically, he wanted to know what prison was going to be like. I could have talked to him about this for hours. Based on my experience in prison, there was no short way to answer this question. For now, suffice it to say, I told him that he would be fine.

Ive been doing some speaking engagements with Hank Shea, a former federal prosecutor, a couple times a year. Hank is associated with the The Holloran Center for Ethical Leadership in the Professions at St. Thomas Law School in Minneapolis. Hank is a great guy and has now devoted his life to this whole ethics and leadership movement that is so important now in Corporate America.

I called Hank after I met with Tom Balko to see if he would want to sit down and talk. You see, Hank works with quite a few white collar criminals. He helps the community by teaming up with ex-felons to tell their story in the hopes of having an impact on the attitudes of business professionals.

Here is a link to an interview Hank did with Tom Balko. It is an edited version. I’ll try to get permission from Hank to get the full version up on Ustream or YouTube. http://ping.fm/ykKMI

I hope you get something out of it. Come back to see more interviews later.

November 13, 2009, 11:53am   Comments